Recipes That Even I Can’t Mess Up (Probably)

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Alright, folks, strap in. It’s time for me to venture into the wild, wild world of recipes that supposedly even a kitchen dunce like me can’t mess up. I mean, if I can manage these, you can too. I’m no Julia Child, and my cooking skills are often eclipsed by my cats’ ability to open food bags, so this should be fun.

The Myth of the Food Blog Novel

Before we dive into the “recipes,” let’s address the elephant in the room: food bloggers who think they’re the next Hemingway. Look, I came here to cook, not read your fucking life story about that one time you found the perfect pumpkin in a quaint little farm on the outskirts of Nowhereville. Just give me the damn recipe before my stomach eats itself!

Seriously, it’s like these people think we’re sitting by the fire, sipping tea, and eagerly hanging on every word about how their grandma’s secret cookie recipe changed their life. Spoiler alert: your cookies aren’t magic, Amber, and I’ve already scrolled past your 3,000-word preamble to find out how much baking soda I need. Let’s get to the point, shall we?

Recipe #1: The World’s Easiest Pasta

  • Ingredients:
    • A box of pasta (any kind, we’re not picky here)
    • Jarred sauce (because it’s easier than from scratch)
    • Pre-grated cheese
    • A pinch of salt (for flavor or whatever)
  • Instructions:
    1. Boil water. Try not to burn yourself..
    2. Add pasta. Cook it until it’s edible and the way you like. None of this “al dente” nonsense.
    3. Drain the pasta. Don’t forget the colander, or you’ll have a hot mess.
    4. Dump the sauce on the pasta. Stir like your life depends on it.
    5. Sprinkle cheese on top. The more, the merrier.
    6. Congratulate yourself on a job well done. You’re basically a chef now.

See? Wasn’t that easy? I didn’t need to tell you about some bullshit story across Italy to make it sound good.

Recipe #2: Lazy-Ass Chicken Stir Fry

  • Ingredients:
    • Pre-cooked chicken strips (thank you, grocery store gods)
    • A bag of frozen stir-fry veggies (we’re all about convenience here)
    • Soy sauce or teriyaki sauce (pick your poison)
    • Instant rice (because we live in the 21st century)
  • Instructions:
    1. Heat a pan. If it’s smoking, you’ve gone too far. Dial it back a notch.
    2. Throw in the chicken and veggies. Try not to spill it everywhere like I usually do.
    3. Add your sauce of choice. Stir like you’re painting the Mona Lisa.
    4. Microwave the rice. Or don’t, if you like your food cold and depressing.
    5. Mix it all together and serve it in a bowl. Fancy plating is for suckers.
    6. Enjoy, knowing you’ve conquered yet another recipe without setting the kitchen on fire.

Recipe #3: No-Bake Chocolatey Whatever

  • Ingredients:
    • Chocolate chips (whatever brand doesn’t break the bank)
    • Peanut butter (unless you’re allergic, then use whatever paste you can tolerate)
    • Cornflakes or some crunchy cereal (to give the illusion of effort)
  • Instructions:
    1. Melt the chocolate in the microwave. Watch it like a hawk so it doesn’t explode.
    2. Stir in the peanut butter. Lick the spoon. You deserve it.
    3. Toss in the cereal until it’s all coated in sugary goodness.
    4. Plop spoonfuls onto wax paper and let them set.
    5. Eat half of them before they even cool because self-control is overrated.

There you have it, three recipes that I can’t even screw up, and believe me, I’ve tested their limits. It’s not rocket science, it’s just food. If you want to share your own no-fail recipes, keep them short, sweet, and devoid of epic tales.

Happy not-burning-your-house-down cooking, everyone!

Stay snarky,
~ Rita 🖤

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