It’s time we had a long-ass chat about a certain corner of the internet that’s been getting under my skin for way too long: the infamous mom blogs. You know the ones—where every post starts with a 1,000-word essay about the trials and triumphs of parenting, all before they tell you how to make a peanut butter sandwich.
And the recipes. Oh, the recipes. What the fuck is it about becoming a mom that makes everyone suddenly think they’re a Michelin-star chef? “Today, I’m sharing my super-secret recipe for oatmeal!” Spoiler alert: it’s just oatmeal with some chia seeds and a drizzle of almond milk. Groundbreaking stuff. If I wanted culinary inspiration, I’d turn on a cooking show, not scroll through pages of storytelling to find out you added a pinch of nutmeg.
Mom bloggers are my favorite internet species to hate-read. You know the ones: those perfectly polished Stepford Wives with their immaculate homes, angelic children, and Pinterest-perfect lives. They make parenthood look like a fairy tale with their organic snacks, color-coordinated craft projects, and sanctimonious advice on how to be a better human being. Who knew a recipe for gluten-free quinoa cookies could come with a side of judgment and existential dread?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good life hack as much as the next person, but there’s something about the holier-than-thou attitude that grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. I thought mansplaining was bad enough, but these moms are the queens of unsolicited advice, dishing out pearls of wisdom from their thrones of privilege and perfect lighting. If you don’t follow their 27-step guide to folding laundry or their 15-minute morning yoga routine for inner peace, then you’re clearly failing at life.
And let’s talk about their endless stream of advice on how to keep your house clean and your kids entertained with nothing but a roll of toilet paper and some glitter. First of all, why is glitter the solution to everything? That stuff is like herpes; once you have it, you can never get rid of it. Secondly, not everyone has the time or energy to make everything from scratch, brew kombucha in their basement, or spend hours crafting a sensory play area that looks like a preschool exploded in their living room.
Let’s talk about the look of those fucking websites for a second. Why does every mom blog look like a Pinterest board threw up on it? I’m talking pastel colors, curly whimsical fonts, and enough pictures of mason jars to make a craft store jealous. I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of secret underground club where they all agree to the same old cookie-cutter design. And can someone please explain the obsession with photographing every meal? Please take it from me, no one gives a shit about what your Tuesday night casserole looks like from six different angles.
Reading a mom blog is like entering an alternate reality where women never age, kids never throw tantrums, and the biggest crisis of the day is running out of homemade almond milk. The moms behind these blogs are like internet influencers on steroids, using their kids as props to sell the dream of perfection. And let’s be real, those kids are going to need therapy when they grow up and realize their childhoods were spent as content for their mom’s brand.
It’s not just the unrealistic standards that piss me off; it’s the complete disregard for anyone who doesn’t fit into their narrow definition of “success.” Not everyone has a partner, a house in the suburbs, or the luxury of staying home all day to bake artisanal bread. Some of us are just trying to survive on caffeine and sarcasm, navigating the chaos of life without a manual or a trust fund.
Let’s not forget the humblebrags—oh, sweet fucking Jesus, the humblebrags. “I’m just a regular mom, trying to balance a perfectly clean house, a successful career, and raising three bilingual prodigies who also rescue puppies in their spare time.” Sure, Jan, whatever tickles your bean.
There’s also the phenomenon of the “Mommy Martyr.” The ones who also brag about their sacrifices and endless to-do lists as if motherhood is some kind of war zone. They post about their sleep deprivation, endless chores, and juggling 15 different activities, all while somehow finding time to blog about it. It’s like they want a medal for doing things that every parent does but with more complaining and less actual impact.
And don’t even get me started on their product recommendations. Are we supposed to believe they genuinely adore every overpriced gadget and life-changing gadget they get paid to promote? It’s hard to take advice from someone who swaps loyalty for freebies faster than their kids change moods. If I wanted that level of insincerity, I’d watch reality TV.
Let’s be honest here; mom blogs aren’t about building community or empowering others. They’re about monetizing motherhood and turning it into a brand. The whole thing is a well-oiled marketing machine designed to sell you on an unattainable lifestyle while making you feel like shit for not having your life together. It’s capitalism in a mommy apron, and we’re all just suckers doomscrolling through Instagram, wondering why our lives don’t measure up.
The thing is, I think I totally get it.
Mom bloggers are trying to share their lives and connect with others, but sometimes it feels like they’re living in a completely different universe. One where everything is perfect and they have all the answers. It’s exhausting to read, and I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to maintain that façade.
How about we embrace a little more honesty? I’d like to see a mom blog that’s honest about the messiness of life, the kind that doesn’t gloss over the chaos with a Valencia filter. Show me the epic meltdowns, the failed Pinterest crafts, and the days when you just can’t even.
Let’s get real about the fact that sometimes being a parent—or just a human—is a messy, imperfect, and downright exhausting experience. But no, that doesn’t sell ad space or affiliate links, does it?
And for the love of all that is holy, can we please get to that goddamned recipe already? If I have to scroll through one more backstory about how your great aunt’s cousin’s neighbor inspired your gluten-free muffin recipe, I’m going to throw my fucking phone out the window! Just give me the ingredients and instructions, and save the life story for your therapist.
In the end, maybe it’s not really about hating mom bloggers as people. They’re just doing what they think is best, riding the wave of the internet’s obsession with “authenticity” and “relatability” while selling us a bill of goods that no one can cash in on. It’s about hating the unrealistic ideals and the culture that perpetuates them, the idea that there’s a perfect way to live, parent, or even exist.
So please, mom bloggers, let’s dial it back a notch. Share your tips, your recipes, your stories, but let’s keep it real. No one’s life is as perfect as your blog makes it out to be, and that’s okay. Embrace the chaos, the mess, the imperfection. We’re all just doing our best here, and sometimes that means admitting that our best is barely getting by.
You don’t need a blog to validate your worth or a brand to sell your value. You’re already doing just fine, glitter and all. And remember, when life gives you lemons, toss them aside and grab some coffee, or a cocktail instead. That’s the kind of advice I can get behind.
Stay snarky,
~ Rita 🖤