Alright, folks, gather ’round, because it’s time for a good ol’ rant about one of my favorite subjects: the computer illiterate and their insane belief that I’m some sort of magical hacker wizard who can “just hack it” for them.
Spoiler alert: I’m not, and neither is anyone else you know who has a basic understanding of how a computer works. But hey, let’s dive into this steaming pile of digital ignorance, shall we?
The Myth of the Hacker Wizard
Let’s start with the most absurd thing I hear on the regular: “Can you just hack into it for me?” Oh, sure! Let me just whip out my Matrix-level skills, throw on some sunglasses, and start typing like a goddamn maniac until I’ve cracked into whatever system you’ve hopelessly locked yourself out of.
Newsflash, Sherlock: hacking isn’t like what you see in the movies. I’m not sitting here with a bunch of screens filled with scrolling green text, breaking into top-secret government databases just for fun. I’m a regular person who knows how to use a fucking computer without causing a global security meltdown.
Passwords: The Bane of My Existence
Oh, you forgot your password again? Shocking! I never saw that coming. It’s not like you’ve been using “password123” for the last ten years or anything. Seriously, how is it that in 2024, people are still using the same garbage passwords that a toddler could guess? Look, I’m not asking you to memorize the Enigma code, but maybe, just maybe, you could try something a little more secure than the first thing that pops into your head when you’re setting up an account.
And don’t even get me started on the number of times I’ve had to explain that “1234” is not, I repeat, NOT, an acceptable password for anything more important than a luggage lock. If your password is that weak, you might as well be handing out keys to your entire digital life with a sign that says, “Please Rob Me.”
The “Can You Just Fix It?” Crowd
And then there’s the classic, “Can you just fix it?” Oh, honey, if only it were that simple. Your computer isn’t a toaster where I can just pop in a new part, and voilà, it’s good as new. Nine times out of ten, the reason your computer is a slow, virus-riddled disaster is because you’ve been clicking on every flashy pop-up that promises a free iPhone or a hot date in your area.
Guess what? Those things are scams, and now your computer is basically a cesspool of malware because you didn’t listen to me the first twenty times I told you to stop doing that.
The “I Don’t Do Tech” Types
Now, let’s talk about the people who proudly declare, “I don’t do tech.” Oh, really? You don’t do tech? That’s like saying, “I don’t do breathing,” in 2024. Technology is everywhere. It’s in your phone, your car, your coffee maker, for fuck’s sake. You can’t just opt out of it because it’s inconvenient or confusing.
It’s like refusing to learn how to drive and then complaining that you can’t get anywhere. Here’s a thought: maybe try to learn something new instead of whining about how hard it is. I promise, your brain won’t explode if you figure out how to change your own Wi-Fi settings.
Offering Help… Begrudgingly
Okay, okay, I know I’m being harsh. But let’s be real—if you’re this clueless about tech in 2024, you need a little tough love. That said, I’m not a total monster. I get it, not everyone grew up with a keyboard under their fingers. So here’s the deal: I’ll give you some tips to help you out, but only if you promise to actually use them. Deal?
- Google Is Your Friend: Before you ask me a question, try Googling it. You’d be amazed at how many answers are out there, just waiting for you to find them. Type your question into that little search bar and hit enter. It’s not magic, it’s just the internet doing its job.
- Password Managers Are a Thing: If you can’t remember your passwords, stop using the same one for everything and get a password manager. It’s like having a digital butler who keeps all your secrets safe and only tells them to you when you need them. Seriously, it’s a game-changer.
- Update Your Software: I don’t know why people act like software updates are the plague, but they’re not. They exist to make your life easier and keep your stuff secure. So when your computer asks if you want to update, don’t hit “Remind me later” for the 50th time. Just do it.
- Back Up Your Data: If you don’t back up your data and something goes wrong, don’t come crying to me. Whether it’s photos, documents, or your collection of funny cat memes, make sure you’ve got a copy somewhere safe. It’s called being responsible.
- Learn the Basics: You don’t have to become a tech genius, but at least learn the basics. Know how to use your own devices, understand the difference between a browser and a search engine, and maybe even take a course or watch a YouTube tutorial. You’ll feel a lot less helpless, I promise.
The Final Word
At the end of the day, I’m happy to help you out with your tech problems—up to a point. But I’m not your personal hacker, and I’m definitely not your tech babysitter. If you can’t be bothered to learn even the simplest things about the devices you rely on every day, then maybe you deserve to be stuck in the digital dark ages.
So next time you’re about to ask me to “just hack it” for you, think twice. Maybe, just maybe, you could figure it out yourself… with a little help from Google, of course.
Stay snarky,
~ Rita 🖤