Welcome to another thrilling episode of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Common Sense,” where today’s special guest is your complete inability to remember a simple string of characters. That’s right, folks—it’s time to talk about one of the most frequent, mind-numbing tech support complaints: “I forgot my password.”
Now, before you get all defensive, clutching your pearls as if you’ve never misplaced a password in your life, let me stop you right there. We’ve all done it. Hell, I’ve done it once or twice. But here’s the thing: most of us have the decency to feel a little bit ashamed when we realize that we can’t recall the one fucking thing standing between us and our cat meme collection. But not you, oh no. You breeze into tech support as if you’re a newborn baby who’s never seen a keyboard in their life, fully expecting someone else to clean up the mess you made by relying on “Password123” as your security blanket.
The “One Password to Rule Them All” Mentality
Let’s start with the basics. Passwords are not some abstract concept designed to fuck with your daily life. They’re a necessary evil in a world where, believe it or not, people are trying to steal your shit. So when you strut into tech support claiming you forgot the password to your email, your banking app, and—God help us all—your Facebook account, I can’t help but roll my eyes so far back into my head that I can see last week.
Here’s the thing, genius: if your idea of a secure password is using the same damn one for everything, you deserve every phishing scam, every data breach, and every “Sorry, your account has been compromised” email that comes your way. Newsflash: cybercriminals aren’t idiots. They’ve figured out that people like you exist—people who think that “qwerty” is the pinnacle of digital security.
And you know what they do when they get their hands on one of your accounts? They try that same password on every other account you have. Because why wouldn’t they? You’re practically gift-wrapping your life for them.
Excuse Me, What Year Is It?
Now, onto the next part of this delightful conversation: the excuses. Oh, the excuses. “I forgot my password because I set it up ages ago.” Really? Was that before or after the dinosaurs roamed the Earth? Because unless you’ve been cryogenically frozen since the 90s, there’s no excuse for not updating your passwords regularly.
Let’s put it this way: if your password was set up during a time when MySpace was still a thing, you need to update that shit immediately. And while we’re at it, if you can remember the lyrics to every boy band song from your teenage years but can’t recall the password to your work email, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities.
Write It Down, For Fuck’s Sake!
And don’t even get me started on the “I forgot to write it down” crowd. What are you, a goldfish? Do you really expect your brain to retain every random string of characters you come up with? Newsflash: nobody’s memory is that good. That’s why we invented things like sticky notes, password managers, and literally any other tool designed to keep track of this stuff. But no, you’d rather fly by the seat of your pants, living dangerously with the hope that your brain will magically remember that your password is “P@ssw0rd!” (Yes, adding a special character doesn’t make you a genius.)
Here’s an idea: write it down! I know, I know—what if someone finds your top-secret password list? Well, if you’re really that paranoid, maybe try a password manager. You know, that thing that securely stores your passwords so you don’t have to rely on your evidently terrible memory? Yeah, that thing.
The “Reset Password” Button Exists for a Reason
Okay, I get it. Sometimes life happens, and you forget your password. That’s why we have the “reset password” button. It’s not rocket science. You click it, follow the instructions, and voila—you’re back in business. But do you know what really grinds my gears? The fact that so many of you can’t even be bothered to do that before running to tech support.
Listen up, buttercup: tech support is not your personal “reset my password because I’m too lazy to do it myself” service. The button exists for a reason. Use it. And while we’re at it, stop using your mother’s maiden name as your security answer. Unless you’re really hoping that the guy who sat next to you in high school can hack into your Instagram because he overheard you talking about your family tree.
Own Your Incompetence
So, where does this leave us? Well, if you’re still reading (and haven’t rage-quit because the truth hurts), maybe there’s hope for you yet. Let’s sum it up:
- Stop using the same password for everything. Seriously. Mix it up. You wouldn’t wear the same underwear every day (I hope), so why are you doing the digital equivalent?
- Update your passwords regularly. If your password is old enough to drink, it’s time to change it.
- Write. It. Down. Or use a password manager. Either way, don’t expect your brain to do all the heavy lifting.
- Use the reset button. It’s there to help you, and it’s way quicker than waiting on hold with tech support while I silently judge you.
- Own your mistakes. We all screw up, but the first step to fixing your incompetence is admitting it exists.
So the next time you’re about to call tech support because you can’t remember your password, take a deep breath, chug some coffee, and try not to be a complete idiot. We all make mistakes, but there’s no excuse for making the same one over and over again.
Stay snarky,
~ Rita 🖤