Alright, gather ’round, kitchen disasters and microwave aficionados! If you’re here, it’s probably because you’ve burned water, made toast look like charcoal, or given your smoke detector a new lease on life. Welcome to the club. Let’s dive into how you can fake your way through cooking when your culinary skills are, let’s say, non-existent.
1. Embrace Your Inner Chef – By Which I Mean, Google
Let’s get real. Your idea of cooking is probably setting off the smoke alarm. The first step to faking your way through this whole “cooking” thing is to admit that you’re not a culinary genius. Don’t worry; the internet is here to save your bacon—literally. Use recipes that are so simple even a toddler could follow them. Think “one-pan wonders” or “dump-and-stir” dishes. Google “easy recipes for people who can’t cook” and let the magic happen.
Just make sure if you find a recipe, click on that “Jump to recipe” button if it’s there, and save yourself from reading a bullshit story!
2. The Power of Pre-Packaged: Your Best Frenemy
If you think a five-star meal requires actual cooking, you’ve clearly never met pre-packaged food. These are the culinary equivalent of cheating on a test. Look for meal kits, frozen dinners, and pre-cut veggies. All you need to do is follow the instructions, which should be less complicated than your last failed Tinder date. Just remember, the more packaging it comes in, the better. If it has instructions like “microwave for 2 minutes,” you’re golden.
3. Master the Art of “Presentation”
Here’s a secret: presentation can make anything look gourmet. Ever seen those food photos on Instagram that look too good to be true? That’s because they probably are. Slap some fresh herbs on that store-bought casserole or arrange pre-cooked meatballs like you’re plating for a Michelin-star restaurant. Your guests will be too busy marveling at the “presentation” to notice the lack of actual cooking involved.
4. Play the “I’m Too Busy” Card
One of the perks of being a terrible cook is that you can use it to your advantage. Claim that you’re “too busy” to cook a full meal and rely on the art of “chef’s salad” or “breakfast for dinner.” Toss some greens, pre-cooked chicken, and a bottled dressing together, and voilà! Dinner is served. Plus, it’s healthier, and you get to feel smug about not resorting to fast food.
5. Master the “Fake It Till You Make It” Technique
If you’re going to pretend you know how to cook, at least act like you’re enjoying it. Put on an apron, pretend you’re a contestant on a cooking show, and dramatically stir whatever you’ve got going on. Bonus points if you use terms like “sauté” or “deglaze” with the same confidence as a celebrity chef. Your kitchen disasters will be transformed into “quirky culinary experiments” with just a sprinkle of confidence and a pinch of acting skills.
6. Shop Smart, Not Hard
Let’s face it, grocery shopping can be as intimidating as cooking itself. Stick to the basics: a few fresh ingredients and a lot of convenience items. If you’ve got a choice between fresh vegetables and pre-cut ones, go with the pre-cut. No shame in that game. Also, take advantage of the prepared food section. They’re there for a reason, and that reason is to save you from your own cooking ineptitude.
7. Cheat with Technology
If your kitchen looks like a war zone and your cooking skills are on par with a cat’s ability to use a toaster, it’s time to bring in the big guns. Invest in kitchen gadgets like slow cookers, air fryers, or multi-cookers. These devices do most of the work for you. Just throw in some ingredients, set the timer, and let technology work its magic. You’ll look like a culinary wizard, even if you’re just as lost as ever.
8. Keep Your Standards Low
Here’s the cold, hard truth: if you’re faking your way through cooking, you’re not going to be winning any culinary awards anytime soon. So, keep your expectations as low as your skills. Aim for “edible” rather than “delicious” and “passable” rather than “gourmet.” As long as it doesn’t kill you or anyone else, you’re doing great.
9. Use Your “Specialty” As an Excuse
So you’ve got a specialty? That’s great! Whether it’s pouring cereal or making toast, embrace it. Tell everyone you’re the “master of breakfast” or the “king/queen of snacks.” You’re not just bad at cooking; you’ve just chosen to specialize in the easiest things possible. Play to your strengths and let your lack of culinary prowess become your brand.
10. Make Peace with Your Inner Kitchen Disaster
Lastly, accept that you might never be the next Gordon Ramsay or Julia Child. But that’s okay. Your cooking adventures will be filled with mishaps, learning experiences, and probably a lot of takeout. Embrace your role as the kitchen klutz, and own it with pride. After all, if you can’t cook, you can at least make people laugh with your culinary disasters.
So there you have it—your foolproof guide to faking your way through cooking when you’ve got zero skills. Remember, cooking is just another stage where you can shine (or at least avoid serious injury). Now go forth, cook (or don’t), and let your inner culinary disaster reign supreme!
Stay snarky,
~ Rita 🖤