Let me take you back to a time when Ubisoft didn’t just recycle the same shit over and over with slightly different skins. A time when they still had the audacity to throw something utterly insane at us and hope it stuck. That time, my friends, was 2013, and the insanity was Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon—a standalone expansion that has absolutely nothing to do with the original Far Cry 3 story, and thank god for that. Because what it does instead is give us a glorious, neon-soaked fever dream of an ‘80s action movie brought to life. And yes, it’s the reason I now have an unhealthy obsession with Synthwave music.
The Plot: Because Every Great ’80s Action Flick Needs a Plot…Sort Of
Let’s be honest: the plot of Blood Dragon is an afterthought, and that’s exactly how it should be. You play as Sergeant Rex “Power” Colt, a cyborg super-soldier with a voice that drips with more testosterone than a Schwarzenegger film marathon. Your mission? Who gives a fuck? There are dragons that shoot lasers from their eyes, giant robot spiders, and enough one-liners to fill a Stallone movie. The story is a satire of every ridiculous action movie trope from the ‘80s, and it’s glorious.
The fact that the game doesn’t take itself seriously is its greatest strength. The opening cutscene alone is a work of art—a pixelated, over-the-top homage to the glory days of VHS tapes and nuclear paranoia. And if you think this is going to be some serious, gritty shooter like the mainline Far Cry games, let me stop you right there. This is Far Cry 3 on a cocktail of Red Bull, synthwave, and pure, uncut ‘80s nostalgia. And I’m here for every second of it.
The Gameplay: All the Fun, None of the Bullshit
If there’s one thing Blood Dragon gets right, it’s the gameplay. You’ve got your classic Far Cry formula here—open-world exploration, outpost liberation, and plenty of things to blow up—but it’s all wrapped up in a beautiful neon package. The world is smaller and more focused, which is perfect because it cuts out the bloat and gets straight to the fun.
The weapons? Oh, they’re exactly what you’d want from an ‘80s-inspired shooter. We’re talking shotguns that sound like they could take down a tank, laser rifles that disintegrate enemies in a flash of neon light, and of course, the Blood Dragon Bow, because why not? There’s something incredibly satisfying about taking down enemies with weapons that feel like they were ripped straight from a Saturday morning cartoon.
And the takedowns? They’re back and as ridiculous as ever. My favorite? The one where Rex flips off the enemy before stabbing them in the throat. It’s the kind of over-the-top violence that would have been scandalous back in the day, but here, it’s just another day in paradise.
The Soundtrack: A Synthwave Masterpiece
Let’s talk about the soundtrack because this is where Blood Dragon truly shines. Composed by Power Glove (the band, not the ridiculous NES accessory), the music in this game is a synthwave lover’s wet dream. From the first note of the title screen, you’re transported back to a time when synthesizers ruled the world, and every action hero had a mullet and a death wish.
This game is the reason I discovered Synthwave in the first place, and I’ve never looked back. If you’ve ever wanted to feel like you’re starring in your own ‘80s action movie, just throw on some Power Glove, Lazerhawk, Actrazer, or Com Truise, and let the neon nostalgia wash over you. Even when I’m not playing the game, you can bet I’m still listening to the soundtrack while fantasizing about being a cyborg super-soldier. It’s just that good.
The World: A Neon Playground of Destruction
The world of Blood Dragon is a visual masterpiece. Imagine if the future, as envisioned in the ‘80s, threw up all over your screen—and I mean that in the best way possible. The entire game is drenched in neon, from the glowing blue rivers to the purple-hued skies. It’s a world that feels alive in a way that the more realistic environments of other Far Cry games just don’t.
And the Blood Dragons? They’re the stars of the show. These massive, glowing reptiles are both terrifying and awesome, and they add a whole new layer of strategy to the game. Do you try to avoid them and risk running into enemies, or do you use them to your advantage, luring them into enemy outposts for maximum carnage? The choice is yours, and either way, it’s going to be a hell of a ride.
The Humor: Because Sometimes You Just Need to Laugh
What really sets Blood Dragon apart from the rest of the Far Cry series is its sense of humor. This game is one giant joke, and it’s in on it from start to finish. Whether it’s the ridiculous dialogue, the over-the-top voice acting, or the sheer absurdity of the situations you find yourself in, Blood Dragon never takes itself too seriously.
And let’s not forget the tutorials. Remember how tedious and annoying tutorials can be in most games? Not here. In Blood Dragon, the tutorial is a hilarious parody of every boring, hand-holding intro sequence you’ve ever suffered through. The game even mocks you for not knowing how to press a button. It’s self-aware, it’s snarky, and it’s brilliant.
Nostalgia with a Healthy Dose of Skepticism
Look, I loved Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon for what it was—a wild, nostalgic romp through everything I loved (and still love) about the ‘80s. But as much as I enjoyed it, I’m not blind to the fact that Ubisoft has since lost a lot of its mojo. The company that gave us Blood Dragon is the same one that’s now more interested in cranking out cookie-cutter games than taking risks. And that’s why I haven’t touched the newer Far Cry games yet.
Let’s be real: the magic that made Blood Dragon so special is hard to replicate, especially when you’re more focused on squeezing every last dollar out of your fanbase than on creating something truly unique. I’d rather keep my fond memories of Ubisoft intact than watch them tarnish the legacy of one of my all-time favorite games.
Final Thoughts: A Neon-Drenched Masterpiece
Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon is the kind of game that reminds you why you fell in love with gaming in the first place. It’s fun, it’s ridiculous, and it’s packed with so much personality that it practically oozes out of your screen. Whether you’re a fan of the ‘80s or just looking for a shooter that doesn’t take itself too seriously, this game is a must-play.
So here’s to Blood Dragon—the game that made me a Synthwave addict, and the one that made me remember once again just how boring Call of Duty really is.
Stay snarky,
~Rita 🖤