You know what I didn’t ask for? Fucking seasonal allergies. I used to be one of the lucky ones—never had to deal with the sneezing, the nose faucet, or the itchy eyes. I’d be walking around smug as hell while the rest of the population was stocking up on tissues and meds, thinking, “Wow, I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that.” Well, joke’s on me. Fate decided I was getting off too easy and decided to drop me into the seventh circle of allergy hell.
I swear, it’s like dust and tree pollen held a secret meeting one day, like some kind of nefarious evil organization. They probably sat around their little microscopic table with their tiny cigars and said, “You know who’s been living life too comfortably? Rita. Let’s ruin her fucking life.” And boy, did they deliver. Now, every day feels like a cruel prank orchestrated by Mother Nature herself. I wake up, and before I even have a chance to enjoy my first cup of coffee (which, let’s be real, is the only thing keeping me from burning the world down), my nose is already turning into a goddamn waterfall. Picture this: I’m sitting there, minding my own business, trying to breathe like a normal human, and my nose is like, “Nah, we’re done here.”
You know that feeling, right? When your nostrils betray you and decide they’re taking the day off? Yeah, that’s my daily existence now. Constantly blowing my nose like I’m auditioning for the world’s first Trombone Champ contest. I don’t even get a break from the sneezing. It’s like my body’s just giving the middle finger to breathing normally. My body’s throwing a tantrum, and the sneezing just never stops. It’s not just a cute, polite little “achoo.” No, I’m talking about those full-body, soul-shaking sneezes that make you question your existence and wonder if you just ruptured your lung.
And because I clearly needed more misery, my eyes have now joined the rebellion. They itch like they’re plotting a mutiny against my face. I swear, every time I rub them, I can practically hear them whisper, “Soon, we shall take over, and she will know true discomfort.” Rubbing them doesn’t help, by the way; it just makes things worse, but do I stop? Hell no. I’m a human, and humans are dumb sometimes.
And don’t even get me started on how fucking useless allergy meds are. Now let’s talk about allergy meds. Oh yeah, the great lie of modern pharmaceuticals. Everyone’s like, “Oh, just pop an allergy pill, and everything will be fine!” Really? Fine? More like, “Take an allergy pill, and you’ll experience 30 minutes of temporary relief before being dragged back into sneezing purgatory.”
It’s like these meds were designed to give you a little taste of hope before smashing it into tiny pieces. Thanks, Big Pharma, for that fleeting sense of optimism. I’ll be sure to write you a lovely Yelp review.
Meanwhile, dust and pollen? They’re out there living their best lives. Just floating around like they own the place, while I’m over here acting like a walking tissue dispenser. Whatever the hell is causing this misery, can kindly go fuck off.
But hey, at least I get to wake up and do it all again tomorrow, right? Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to live life without feeling like my head is stuffed with cotton balls and rage. Until then, I guess I’ll just keep blowing my nose and flipping off the nearest tree.
Stay snarky,
~Rita 🖤