Oh, the sweet, soft, two-ply absurdity of it all. Remember when the world was facing a global pandemic, and instead of stocking up on, I don’t know, essential items like food or medicine, people decided to hoard toilet paper as if their lives depended on it? Yeah, I’m still not over that ridiculousness, and I need to rant about it.
Seriously, what the hell was going through people’s minds? COVID-19 hits, and suddenly, everyone’s biggest fear is running out of TP? Not catching a deadly virus, not the economy crashing, but the idea of being stuck at home with nothing to wipe their precious behinds with? Give me a fucking break!
It was like some bizarre, collective insanity swept across the globe. People were out there fighting in the aisles, snatching up toilet paper like it was made of gold. Fistfights over Charmin, for crying out loud! I mean, what the fuck did they think was going to happen? Were they planning on surviving the apocalypse by building a fortress out of toilet rolls?
And don’t even get me started on the smug, selfish asshats who bought up entire truckloads of TP just to sell it at jacked-up prices online. Oh, you’re a real hero, aren’t you? Profiting off other people’s panic and desperation. That’s some next-level douchebaggery right there. I hope all those toilet paper towers they built in their garages are now gathering dust, a monument to their greed.
But let’s be real—why toilet paper? Of all the things to panic-buy, why did everyone zero in on that? Were people genuinely worried that we’d face a nationwide toilet paper shortage? It’s not like we were running out of actual food or water. Yet, here we were, with empty shelves in every store and rolls of toilet paper being treated like contraband.
And you know what the funniest part is? Most of those hoarders probably still have closets full of the stuff. I bet they’re still wiping their asses with toilet paper they bought back in March 2020. Meanwhile, the rest of us had to suffer through those months of scarcity, rationing our damn TP like we were in some dystopian novel.
The whole thing just shows how utterly ridiculous and selfish people can be in a crisis. Instead of coming together and helping each other out, a bunch of idiots decided to stockpile something as mundane as toilet paper, creating a fake crisis on top of a real one.
So yeah, fuck the toilet paper hoarders. I hope you’re enjoying your mountains of TP, because the rest of us haven’t forgotten your selfishness. And the next time a global crisis hits, let’s maybe try to prioritize things that actually matter, okay?
Stay snarky,
~ Rita 🖤