Actually, scratch that. I have a LOT more to say, and I’m about to unload my own snark-filled PSA. You’d honestly think we’d all have learned this shit by now, but apparently not, so here we go.
The Pre-Order Hype Scam: A Tale As Old As Time
First off, I get it. You see a shiny new trailer. There’s a flashy CGI cinematic. The devs drop some buzzwords like “immersive,” “next-gen graphics,” and “open-world exploration.” The hype train leaves the station, and you’re practically throwing your wallet at the screen. But here’s the thing: you’re being played. And by “you,” I mean every gamer who has ever dropped $60, $70, or more on a game before it even exists in its final form.
To tell you all the truth, I’ve been there too, folks. I’m not above this. I’ve pre-ordered games before like the gullible optimist I once used to be. You think I just woke up one day and had all this experience? No, I earned it the hard way—by being fucked one too many times. And you know what finally slapped me awake? Starfield.
Yeah, that little game hyped up as Bethesda’s magnum opus, promising to be the space RPG of our dreams. And what did we get? A shallow ocean’s worth of content, lifeless NPCs, and the same tired gameplay loop with a space skin slapped on top. They were really trying to shoot for the moon, but they didn’t quite stick the landing. And ended up in orbit somewhere at the back of my list of games to play.
TLDR: it was not the amazing game promised in the trailers, and that was the moment I said, “Never again.”
Pre-Ordering: You’re Paying to Test a Broken Game
Look, pre-ordering a game is like paying upfront for a mystery box. Except instead of getting a fun surprise, you usually end up with a half-baked, glitch-ridden beta disguised as a full release. Cyberpunk 2077, anyone? That disaster should’ve been the final nail in the pre-order coffin. They sold us on Keanu Reeves, neon-lit streets, and “revolutionary” open-world gameplay. But what did the pre-order crowd get on day one? Crashes, bugs, and a game that was about as stable as a Jenga tower during an earthquake. Now granted, the devs eventually got to turn things around after a few years, but still, the damage of pre-ordering was already done.
Let’s be real for a second: you’re paying to be a guinea pig. You’re not getting the finished game; you’re getting early access to the frustration that comes with watching a game download a 50GB patch on day one because the developers couldn’t be bothered to finish it before release.
The Power of Patience: Let the Suckers Test It First
Now, I’m not saying never buy games (because let’s face it, I’m not a monster). I’m just saying maybe—just maybe—we could all wait a few weeks, let the dust settle, and see if the game is actually worth it? You know, like how Baldur’s Gate 3 actually delivered on what it promised? They didn’t sell us broken dreams; they delivered a polished experience. But do you know why? Because they didn’t rush to shove pre-orders down our throats before they were ready to release a finished product. They took their time, and it shows.
Meanwhile, every other publisher is counting on gamers to be impulsive enough to pre-order so they can deliver whatever half-baked mess they feel like on launch day, because they already have your money. It’s like going to a restaurant, paying for your meal before it’s cooked, and the chef dumps raw ingredients on your plate while telling you, “Don’t worry, we’ll cook it later.”
Early Access, Special Editions, and Other Marketing Gimmicks
“But Rita, what about exclusive pre-order bonuses? Like, what if I want that cool armor set that makes me look like a space cowboy?” Oh, you mean the digital trinkets you’re paying extra for? The ones that offer no real value and might even be available as DLC later? Sure, pre-order for that limited-edition golden shotgun skin that you’ll probably use for a total of five minutes before forgetting it even exists. I’m sure it’s totally worth the extra $20.
And don’t get me started on “early access” as a pre-order bonus. Yes, because playing a broken game two days before the rest of the world is exactly what I want to do. Nothing says “exclusive experience” like being the first to suffer through a game-breaking bug that’ll get patched in the first month (if you’re lucky).
The Solution: Just Wait (Seriously, It’s Not That Hard)
I’m going to spell this out in simple terms: wait. Wait until the reviews drop. Wait until the actual gameplay footage from real players—not the carefully curated marketing videos—comes out. Let the day-one suckers test the game for you. Let them scream into the void about the bugs, crashes, and broken promises.
As for you? You sit back, sip your coffee (because coffee is life), and enjoy the schadenfreude from a safe distance. Once the game is actually stable and worth your money, then you can buy it.
In Conclusion: Stop Pre-Ordering, You Absolute Madlads
If there’s one thing you take away from this, let it be this: pre-ordering games in 2024 is the gaming equivalent of jumping out of a plane without checking if you’re wearing a parachute. It’s a gamble, and 9 times out of 10, it’s not going to pay off.
I’ve been there. I’ve made the mistake. But I’ve also learned, and now I’m passing this knowledge to you. So please, for the love of all that is holy in the gaming world, stop pre-ordering games. Let’s force these companies to actually finish the products they’re selling before they pocket our hard-earned cash. You can thank me later.
Stay snarky,
~ Rita 🖤