Let’s get one thing straight: mornings are the absolute fucking worst. There’s nothing quite as soul-crushing as the shrill blare of an alarm dragging you out of your sweet, sweet slumber. For those of us who thrive in the twilight hours, the concept of becoming a “morning person” is as foreign as enjoying decaf coffee. But sometimes, life (or your boss) demands that you at least pretend to be one of those perky, sunrise-loving creatures. So, what’s a night owl to do?
Lucky for you, I’ve mastered the art of faking it. If you’ve ever wondered how to give off those annoying morning person vibes without actually getting up before the crack of dawn, you’re in for a treat. Grab your strongest cup of coffee (yes, the one that could probably power a small city), and let’s dive into the deceptive world of faux morning cheerfulness.
Step 1: Master the Art of Prepping the Night Before
Who says you have to get up early to be a morning person? The real trick is in the prep work you do the night before. Lay out your clothes, pack your bag, and have your breakfast (yes, cold pizza counts) ready to go. When you can roll out of bed, zombie shuffle to your pre-packed stuff, and still make it out the door on time, you’ll look like you’ve been up for hours, meticulously planning your day. The reality? You hit snooze three times and are still half-asleep.
Bonus points if you can do this while still in your pajamas. Nothing says “I’ve got my life together” like being fully dressed and out the door in under ten minutes.
Step 2: The Power of the Snooze Button
Let’s be real—who actually gets up when their alarm first goes off? Not you, and definitely not me. The snooze button is your best friend here, but there’s a trick to using it effectively. Set your alarm earlier than you need to, but keep your wake-up time as late as possible. This way, you can enjoy the delusion of having “extra” time to wake up, without actually cutting into your precious sleep. By the time you finally haul yourself out of bed, you’ll be well-rested (ish) and can strut around like you’ve been up since 5 a.m.
The key here is balance—set too many alarms, and you’ll feel more exhausted than when you first went to bed. Set too few, and you risk oversleeping entirely. Find that sweet spot where you can still sleep in, but with enough time to fake a leisurely morning routine.
Step 3: Become a Caffeine Connoisseur
I’m not saying caffeine is a substitute for sleep… oh, wait, yes I am. Embrace the jittery joy that only a strong cup of coffee (or three) can bring. If you want to truly fake being a morning person, you’re going to need a good caffeine strategy. Invest in one of those fancy coffee makers with a timer so you can wake up to the smell of freshly brewed motivation. Not only does it make you feel like you’re living a little slice of domestic bliss, but it also means you’re ready to face the world (or at least pretend to) without the risk of committing first-degree murder.
And if anyone asks why you’re already on your third cup, just shrug and say you’re a “morning person.” They don’t need to know that you’re actually a caffeine-fueled gremlin who hates the daylight.
Step 4: Fake the Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed Look
Now that you’ve got the essentials down, it’s time to tackle the most crucial part of faking being a morning person—looking the part. This is where you channel your inner actor. If you’ve ever had to feign interest in a boring conversation, you’re already halfway there.
Step one: hydrate like your life depends on it. Down a glass of water as soon as you wake up to trick your body into thinking you’re refreshed. It’s not magic, but it does help. Step two: splash some cold water on your face to shock your system into semi-consciousness. If you really want to go the extra mile, try a little eye cream to reduce those dark circles that tell the world you stayed up binge-watching Netflix until 2 a.m. I like using Aveeno, because I’m cheap and I’d rather get my shit at Walmart than go to some fancy boutique store.
Then, there’s the pièce de résistance—an annoyingly enthusiastic smile. Think of it as your secret weapon. Nothing screams “I’m totally a morning person” like a big, fake grin that tells everyone you’re ready to seize the day, even if your brain is still half-asleep.
If all else fails, invest in a pair of oversized sunglasses. They’ll hide your tired eyes and make you look like you’ve got somewhere important to be (even if it’s just your couch).
Step 5: Small Talk Like a Pro
Morning people love small talk—it’s like a weird little ritual for them. To truly sell the illusion, you’re going to have to engage in some chipper chit-chat with your coworkers or whoever else is unfortunate enough to cross your path in the morning. The trick here is to keep it light and breezy. Comment on the weather, ask how someone’s evening was, or just throw out a casual “Good morning!” as you breeze past them with your coffee in hand.
If you’re not a fan of small talk (and who is, really?), just nod and smile. No one will question your “morning person” status if you’re radiating fake positivity. And if someone tries to engage you in a deeper conversation, simply say, “I’d love to chat, but I’ve got a busy morning ahead!” and walk away. Congratulations, you’ve just escaped an awkward conversation and further solidified your morning person façade.
Step 6: Become the Master of Fake Productivity
The final step in your journey to becoming a fake morning person is to look busy—even if you’re not. Being a morning person isn’t just about getting up early; it’s about appearing productive AF. So, when you roll into work (or log in from home), start your day by knocking out a couple of easy tasks to make it look like you’re on top of your game.
Send a few emails, organize your desk, or make a to-do list for the day. Hell, even scheduling meetings can make you look like you’ve got your life together. And when your boss walks by and sees you deep in “work,” they’ll be none the wiser. You, my friend, are officially a fake morning person.
Step 7: Accept That You’re Living a Lie (But Who Cares?)
Let’s face it, pretending to be a morning person isn’t about self-improvement—it’s about survival. The world seems to favor those chipper, early risers, and sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Embrace the lie, savor those precious extra minutes of sleep, and know that while you may never truly be a morning person, you’ve mastered the art of faking it.
So, go forth and fool the world, my fellow night owls. After all, who says you can’t have your late nights and fake early mornings, too? Just remember to keep that coffee flowing, that fake smile plastered on, and those oversized sunglasses handy. And when someone asks you how you do it, just laugh and say, “I’m just a morning person at heart.”
The truth? That’ll be our little secret.
Stay snarky,
~Rita 🖤